i need to get out of my head.

February 3, 2010 § Leave a comment

why am i such an analyzer? that will be the topic of discussion. kinda.
i mean, seriously. give me a situation, decision, circumstance, conversation (or lack of) and i will pick it apart. down to the tiniest piece. i’ve come to realize that this is probably not the healthiest action for me to take. not good for the sanity either.

i’m such a communicator and pursuer of honesty, but if i get any kind of insecurity or mixed-up thought floating around in my head it’s hard for me to make the best decision or choose a course of action. i shut in all the emotions, feelings, and words that need to be said and try to push it down. down deep. sometimes i even let it get to the point where it builds up enough pressure to eventually explode out in every direction, spewing all over the innocent bystanders near me. why do i do this to myself? fo real. that junk is just too much to carry around for too long, ya dig? i don’t know what those last two sentences turned into. my sincerest apologies.

but i’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. how much healthier would friendships, families, and any other relationship be if 100% honesty was the method of choice all the time? and i’m not talking about this surface honesty that we do with each other, but really hard, deep, difficult honesty. no guessing, no assumptions, no doubts necessary. vulnerability and openness. there’s such freedom to be found when it’s clear, pure, and the motivations behind it are in-line. i do get there sometimes, and other times…i don’t. it ends up being merely an attempt at initiative and a failed follow-thru. those together make for a horrible combination i’ve found.

and where does this timidity come from? ask anyone (especially my family) and i’m sure they’ll tell you that i’m probably the most outspoken one of the bunch.  not in an ignorant, self-righteous, or overbearing way (i’m really open, actually) but i’m a pretty strong-willed person. so if i really believe in something and think it’s worth sharing then i’m probably going to express it in some way, shape, or form.

welp. there’s a good chance that i’m failing in that area some. and i can’t decide if that’s dissapointing to me or if it’s just keeping me from making stupid, impulse decisions. who knows…maybe i’ll just keep hanging on to my thoughts for a little while longer. i beg for honesty from others and claim it’s what i desire (and i truly do), but how far am i willing to go in that direction? it’s a tough question. and one that i’m not sure if i’m fully able to answer right now. at least not on this blog, which ironically enough is titled “let’s be honest”. ha.

so there’s my attempt…to share w/ you a vice that more so than lately, has been been brought to my attention. honesty about failed honesty. that’s fun.

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