March 21, 2011 § 2 Comments
you know, i’m really grateful for my parents. i think i needed a perspective check tonight and didn’t even know it. my dad called me checking in to see how i’ve been doing lately, and i just burst into tears. that’s telling, right? i’m sure he was expecting that. i don’t really understand how or why this happens to me sometimes, but every once in a while it’ll sneak up on me. different emotions that i tend to keep inside that i don’t allow to come to the surface. not a healthy habit, trust me. i’m learning from experience.
this is my “i’m-about-to-graduate-and-have-no-idea-what-i’m-doing” rant, so if you’d like to bow out now, feel free. i’m graduating in may, and if you haven’t heard, the field of education is not a great area to come out with a degree in at this time. (at least in texas) i’m praying that it’s temporary or the threats of the texas government are only that, threats, but it’s not looking so good right now. it’s definitely been on my mind, but recently i feel like i’ve done of a pretty good job of not letting it anchor and send discouragement and uncertainty through me. however, for some reason, chatting with my dad tonight brought it back up. of course, he showered me with encouraging words and stories of how he went through a really rough patch when he was around my age. he was looking for work, didn’t even have a car and was bumming rides off of people trying to make it. then, he borrowed some money, got a car, and wrecked it…borrowed more money and got another car. he did have it rough. but more than just the stories, he kept reminding me of where my joy and my hope are found. and that’s in a Father who knows my steps and continually provides for his children. what a great reminder. i feel like my mind knows that well, but my heart has a hard time processing it.
and right now, me having a job is not about a status or place in society that i’m trying to reach. i just want to able to pay for my half of the rent, bills, and everything else that life requires. for so long, i’ve been the one that needs help. i’m the youngest in my family, and my parents have always provided for me. when i lived with my brother, he was always so generous and paid the majority of the expenses. now, i live with my sister, and she has taken on that role. don’t get me wrong, i’ve worked all the way through college, but i feel like i’m just scraping by each month trying to do my part. i have the most incredible family, and i’m so thankful for their generosity and willingness to support, but i’m so tired of being dependent on them. i feel like i’m finally at a place where i would able to support myself, but the opportunities for full-time employment (in a position that i am qualified to do and passionate about) are not lining up. so, that’s hard to swallow.
i feel like this point of my life is really pushing and reminding me of how dependency is necessary and vital for my relationship with the Lord. don’t you love when life’s happenings are completely paralleled with the areas of your relationship with Christ that are calling out for your attention? my needs and desires are to be met by Him and Him alone. that’s tough for an independent girl like me. i suppose, now is the time to reminded…
trust me, i did not want this post to come out like a pity-party, feel-sorry-for-me type of moment. that’s not my heart at all, but this is where i’m at right now. it would be a complete contradiction of my blog title (let’s be honest) to not post this. i have frustrations. i have doubts. i have worries. it’s what i’m feeling tonight. some days are easier and some are harder. tonight is one of those. i’m incredibly blessed with the life that i live and what i have, my concern is what happens next. i am fully aware that i’m not alone in these feelings. there are so many other people in the same boat…and others who have much greater and more important concerns than what’s on my plate right now.
and here’s the deal, ultimately the money i make, the job i have, the car i drive, the place i live, the relationships i’m in…those are not mine. those are His. He will entrust those to me and allow me to be a good steward of those things for His name and renown. that’s a greater reminder i desperately needed.
praise Jesus, that He has His timing and knows it well. knows it far better than me. that is comfort.
who has measured the waters in
the hollow of his hand,
or with the breadth of his hand
marked off the heavens?
who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,
or weighed the mountains on the scales
and the hills in a balance?
who has understood the mind of the Lord,
or instructed him as his counselor?
whom did the Lord consult to enlighten him,
and who taught him the right way?
what was it that taught him knowledge
or showed him the path of understanding?
to whom, then, will you compare God?
what image will you compare him to?
do you not know?
have you not heard?
has it not been told you from the beginning?
have you not understood since the earth was founded?
he sits enthroned above the circle of the earth
and it’s people are like grasshoppers.
he stretches out the heavens like a canopy,
and spread them out like a tent to live in.
he brings princes to naught and reduces
the rulers of this world to nothing.
to whom will you compare me?
or who is my equal? says the Holy One.
lift your eyes and look to the heavens;
who created all these?
he who brings out the starry host one by one,
and calls them each by name.
because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.